Many years ago, when I was in my teens I came upon an advertisement in a women’s magazine. The ad was for a new diet food. I was overweight and I was desperate to try anything even though they did not say what it was – it was a mystery!

I received in the mail a jar of banana baby food. My heart sank. I was embarrassed. I imagined the creators of this idea laughing at me as if to say, “those fat people will eat anything.” I didn’t read the material that came with it because I was too shaken and hurt. I likely ate it in shame because of my addiction. I imagine the premise was that it was a controlled portion and healthy. Had they simply marketed it differently in adult packaging and explained the thought process and concept perhaps it would have caught on. We will never know because I have no memory after that of the gimmick.

In my weight loss journey, I also read to use baby utensils to eat your food so one would slow down their eating. I tried this also but for some reason did not look at it as shameful at the time. This concept was upfront about the goal of slowing down eating. As good as the concept was this did not help me either. I wasn’t ready to take miniature portions while eating. Plus, an “adult” size spoon is an adequate serving, it’s more about what’s on your plate than on a spoon.

What does work:
Find your ultimate goal and envision what it feels like to be there.
What are your habits now that keep you from losing weight?
Start each day with your “to-do” list that includes tasks and life events – not food.

There are so many different types of journals that you can use to help you plan your day. Many journals start with asking what you’re grateful for or writing your affirmations. If you cannot afford to buy a journal any piece of note paper will work. Set your intentions for a great day!! Celebrate you and please take care of yourself!!

I’ve noticed a couple of times throughout the past year young women doing something I did many times in my youth when I was self-conscious about my weight.  What I noticed that in very warm and even hot weather, young women wearing jackets.  Jean jackets, leather jackets, bulky sweaters in the height of summer when it was humid and sticky, while other young women were wearing sundresses and sleeveless tops. 

They would not only wear their jackets in the heat but kept pulling them closed and down as if making sure they were concealing some awful secret. These women were likely feeling self-conscious about their weight.  I would not call them obese by any means, but somewhat larger than others their age.

I was immediately anxious for them because I knew how they felt.  I kept looking and wanting to talk with them about taking off their jackets and enjoying the day.   When I see this behavior it’s a trigger for me and I am immediately back in my college days.

I remember carpooling with friends to summer work-study.  Just before we arrived at work, we passed a bank in the center of town with a large, illuminated clock that also showed the temperature.   Every day I would pray that the temperature did not exceed 68 degrees.   That was my magic number for being able to wear a sweater that day.

More important than wearing a sweater during the day was wearing a sweater at night when we could go to the nightclubs.  I was the one sitting at the cocktail table that had space invaders.  I would play the entire night while my friends danced.  I was glad that I looked busy and not just sitting there by myself as a “wall flower”.  This was my entire summer.

This is another reason why I was on a mission to lose weight and now on a mission to help others.   Do not watch life go by, do not wish the seasons to go by.  Enjoy every moment loving who you are and being healthy!

I recently had a dental procedure that made it painful to eat for a couple of days.   I could only ingest liquids.   The pain made me have no desire to eat anything.   This was rare for me because at times even when I was sick, I still managed to eat.

It reminded me of the many times, while trying to lose weight, I would talk to myself about how bad a certain food was.  I would have a conversation with myself saying I shouldn’t eat it but then justifying it somehow.    I would convince myself it was okay and make the indulgence.   Whatever it was I wanted was usually consumed within minutes if not seconds.    No sooner would I finish then, I would have immediate regret.  The regret came with frustration, anger, disappointment, and emotional pain. 

I had a flashback to that emotional pain when I was in physical pain from the dental procedure.   I was trying to understand how for so many years knowing that emotional pain would surface so quickly and last for so long, I would still convince myself to eat.

I decided to pose this question to Artificial Intelligence (AI) software to get their take.  Below is the article I received from the prompts and directives I entered…

As a language model, I cannot experience emotional or physical pain, but I can understand how they affect human behavior. The experience of emotional pain after indulging in forbidden food while on a diet can be distressing. The feeling of regret and disappointment in oneself can be overwhelming, and it is not uncommon to feel as if all progress has been lost. Similarly, physical pain resulting from dental surgery can make it difficult to eat, as the pain can be intense and persistent.

It is interesting to note how physical pain resulting from surgery can easily dissuade one from eating, while emotional pain resulting from eating something “bad” often does not have the same effect. This could be because physical pain is more immediate and tangible, while emotional pain is more abstract and intangible. Additionally, physical pain is often seen as a warning sign from the body to stop engaging in certain activities, while emotional pain can be dismissed as something that can be ignored or suppressed.

The joy of eating something that one craves may only last for a few seconds, but the emotional pain of breaking a diet can linger for much longer. Despite knowing this, it can be challenging to resist the temptation of indulging in forbidden foods, especially when the only consequence is emotional pain. This could be because food serves not only as a source of nourishment but also as a source of comfort and pleasure. Thus, the desire to eat something that one wants can override the knowledge that it will result in emotional pain.

In conclusion, experiencing emotional pain after indulging in forbidden food while on a diet can be distressing, while physical pain resulting from dental surgery can make it difficult to eat. The difference in how these two types of pain affect eating habits could be due to the immediacy and tangibility of physical pain compared to the abstract and intangible nature of emotional pain. Despite knowing the consequences of indulging in forbidden foods, it can be challenging to resist the temptation of food as it can serve as both a source of nourishment and pleasure.

The article was helpful on why I was indulging in food despite the resulting pain.  However, I should have asked how one can remember this pain and overcome the desire to eat.

I thought about putting a rubber band on my wrist to snap to remind me of pain, but I equate that to punishment and I’m not fond of that strategy.  The answer for me is to remember how great it feels to be in control and most importantly, healthy, and strong.   Should I forget that feeling I have my little business card size cheat sheet to remember some of the things I can do being in shape and where I want to be.

I hope this helps you as well.   Start now and never, never, give up!

As I mentioned previously in another blog, I am struggling. I have the skills to lose weight. I am a self- proclaimed expert having a life time of observation, and experience. However, being sixty years old now requires more effort and an all out “war” on weight loss.

I must do it all. I must think it all. I must pull out all the stops to retrain and reprogram my brain.  And, above all, I need help. I need to immerse myself in the “all things and all tools weight-loss.”

Optavia/Lean Cuisine:

I had already become a member of Optavia so I’m continuing with some of their prepared foods. I like this because I don’t have to think about what to have or spend a lot of time prepping.

A note about Optavia:   I only do the food. I was turned off by the push to become a coach and use it as income driver. I did not like that I couldn’t be upfront about the cost of food and the program overall. That said, SO many people have had AMAZING success with it. Check it out on your own if you think this might fit for you.

Activated You:

A supplement that I put into my Optavia shake to give me nutrients that I need. They say I’ll notice that I’ll feel better in two weeks. Let’s see!

Jane Fonda’s New Workout:

My go-to workout. It truly is one of the best workouts still to this day. I believe it first came out in the early 1980s.  But I tell you it works everything and has cardio.

GOLO:

This is new for me. Have no idea what it really is or if it will work. To be continued.

Apple Watch:

I set my own goals for standing, exercise, and calories burned. It’s fun to watch the “rings” close when I have achieved one of my goals.

Vision Board:

My favorite thing to do is put my goals on a board. It’s creative and fun. I have about four others. I create new ones as goals are realized or I decide a different path.

Noom:

Weight loss app. Again, many success stories. What I like is that they really want you to succeed. In the beginning they give you payment options on a tier based on what you can afford. How amazing is that!?  They also are not afraid to have other diet program foods listed in their calorie count. Not sure if this will work but I like their company culture so far.

I’m curious what works for others over the age of 60.  Please share.   In the meantime, I will be a walking billboard for the weight loss industry.

What’s worse than being fat?  Being fat, losing weight, gaining weight and being fat again.  Been there in the past and here now.

There have been many times throughout my life that I lost weight only to gain it back again.  The first time I lost weight I was thirteen.   I lost weight in the Spring to the point of becoming on the verge of being anorexic.   I would count every calorie and remember being proud that I came up with a 200 calorie a day meal plan for myself.  I was excited that it was so much better than my 500-calorie plan.  Obviously that was not sustainable, coupled with my young age and immaturity I was destined to fail.

The second time I lost weight I was eighteen and my senior year of high school.   I made it through the summer doing well and started gradually gaining weight into my freshmen year.  Following that summer and entering my sophomore year I had “successfully” gained all the weight back and then some.  It was tough going back to college being ashamed of myself and wondering what people were saying behind my back about my weight gain.  Little did I know that was said directly to me would be more hurtful.  

My first day back in Dr. Kim’s math class I took the front row center.   It was the second year in a row having Dr. Kim as a math professor.  As he took attendance and came upon my name he glanced around the room and his eyes found me in my seat.  He looked down and said in front of the class, “you got bigger” in a shocked Asian accented voice.  I sat there stunned and numb.

Hence the title of this blog.   You know they are thinking it because at times they actually say it.  For some reason people don’t think you know you “got bigger” and need to point it out to you.  It comes in many forms and people think they are helping you.  I have never lost weight because I was shamed.   I have lost weight because I wanted the happiness, I saw others having – the thin others.

Leading into my junior year I lost weight again.   This time I was able to keep it off until I gained the weight of having babies.   I gained more than the “baby”, but I was able to get that extra weight off eventually.   So, I give myself credit for staying “not fat” from the age of about twenty to my late fifties.  

Then came Covid.  With Covid and the shutdowns also came the unexpected passing of my brother-in-law and caring for my aging parents.   My psyche wasn’t ready for any of this.  I am a very regimented person and now my life was, and is, anything but.   I am up approximately 15 pounds above my lowest weight.  Granted my lowest was likely too low, but a solid 10 pounds is needed for me to lose to get back into my clothes and feel good!

Here I sit, assuming that people have noticed my weight gain and likely talking.  I just ask that you keep any thoughts to yourself.   I know I gained weight.  I have mirrors at home.  I have a scale.  I have clothes that don’t fit.   But I will lose the weight.  I know I will because I have done it in the past.  I have the skills.  The skills just need to be adjusted to fit my new regimen and while I grieve my hardest loss yet – the passing of my father who was physically a rock until the very end at the age of 88.  This next challenge is for you Daddy.

P.S. The photo posted is when I was my thinnest as an adult. You will never see me post a “fat” photo. I don’t believe in posting any photo that makes me feel embarrassed.

People are often surprised when I tell them I have a food addiction. They say I don’t look like I have an addiction and I don’t talk about it. To which I reply, “you have no idea what’s going on in my head.”

This was the discussion while having dinner with a friend when she questioned why I say I have an addiction. I proceeded to tell her what I had been thinking during our dinner. I was wondering what she would order… would she order something fattening and question why I only wanted something small or simple? If I ordered something small would she feel bad about herself for eating something bigger (because that’s how I would feel.)   I never want anyone to feel the shame I have experienced. I also don’t want to be considered a “party pooper” either for eating healthy.

There are times I actually eat more as to not make the other person feel badly about themselves and overeating.  I know what it is like to feel that people are thinking that I am disgusting because I’m fat and I don’t ever want anyone else to have that feeling. Others time I am proud of myself If I eat less or “better” than the other person. I feel proud and happy that I was able to go to a dinner and stay in check.

I also pay attention to how fast the other person is eating. Am I eating too fast?  If I’m eating slower than the other person I’m usually surprised and proud of myself. If they order healthy, I’m thrilled because it takes the pressure off of me.  Sometimes I think of “excuses” ahead of time for why I’m going to order something small or healthy. I might say, “I’m full from eating lunch,” or “I am really dying for a salad” to deflect to what I’m eating and take the peer pressure off. There are times I’ll go home and eat afterwards because I’m exploding with anxiety from having to focus so much on the meal.

These thoughts in my brain can be chaos at times or just an underlying current, depending on the situation. If I’m one-on-one with someone I try to focus on the conversation because I deeply appreciate my friends and I love good conversation.  But my food thoughts are always there.

If I’m alone at home or taking care of my parents where the junk food abounds the thoughts in my head have a tight grip on me    Which of the junk food are the healthiest. If I have just a taste, would I be able to stop. Maybe just one cookie…maybe one more wouldn’t hurt… three, that’s a good number.  I’ll be sitting in one room and know what’s on the kitchen counter and be thinking about it.

This is the mind of someone addicted to food. I don’t spend the full scope of my brain on these thoughts. I appreciate friends. I appreciate that someone has taken time in their life to spend time with me. I do truly listen; I do engage in conversation and experiences. However, there is burned into my DNA hard wire memory deep within an undercurrent that takes notes and forms an opinion.

The struggle is real, and it is ever present. I am still a work in progress.

Many of us have received at least one dose of their Covid-19 vaccine.   I have received my booster shot as well.  The booster shot is to increase (“boost”) the effectiveness of the vaccine and increase your immunity. 

While attending a recent workshop the word “boost” came to mind.  The workshop was uplifting and empowering and just what I needed to stay on track with my weight loss battle.   I struggle every day to keep the focus off food and not let those food thoughts control my actions.

I am always on the search for a something to help me to be successful.   Sometimes I try a new diet, I’ll start a new program, I’ll buy new weight loss foods, or read a new book.  When I start something, I’ll be successful, but it won’t last.  I either get bored or have early success and then get “cocky” and think I can cheat. 

The workshop I was taking was weekly via Zoom.  So, every week I got this new “boost” of motivation and it had nothing to do with losing weight.   It was about setting goals, being positive, having confidence, self-reflection, and a myriad of take-aways for the following week.   I love great conversation with peers who are like-minded in philosophy.  This is where I like to dwell, into where I settle.

My life has been a journey of finding the formula for losing weight and keeping off the weight.  I have discovered that I need a booster shot at least once a week, if not more often.  Whatever form it comes in, conversation, positivity Instagram posts, new diet foods, or whatever new discovery is out there for me.

I hope this article has given you a boost and you find more to keep you successful.

Kind Regards,

Diana

P.S.  I hope you all get your Covid-19 vaccine as well!

I have been wondering what the “end” of the Covid-19 pandemic will look like.  It will likely be different for each individual.  The first vision that came to mind for me was the iconic photo of the sailor embracing a nurse in the streets of New York City on V-Day.   One celebratory day in history.

I also could not help but think of the lives lost during the pandemic.  The overwhelming feeling of tragic and unnecessary loss.   If only the remedy, the vaccine, could have been here in time for them.  For those impacted with tragic loss, would the end be a quiet solemn remembrance and reflection? 

I think of those who have felt confined and isolated in the prison of their homes.  Quarantined and not interacting with humans, and the huggers who have had to stop in their tracks from embracing.  The image here for the end is that of Woodstock and the “love thy neighbor” attitude – whoever they may be.

Or perhaps the vision will be that of a sunset, so gradual a change that the horror of the pandemic will fade slowly from our days as we gradually remember what life was like.  Will there be days with continued mask wearing, not really confident that all is safe?  Perhaps mask wearing will continue to keep us protected from other illness, just as hand sanitizer became a common product to safeguard against the flu and colds.

For me it will be a combination of all.   I work in an industry highly impacted by the pandemic with closings and capacity restrictions.   I can vividly recall staff and customers silently standing and looking up at the lobby television, watching the Governor announce the closings that were to take place on St. Patrick’s Day.   At that time, we did not know what to expect, what would be on the horizon.   The day that comes removing all restrictions will be that one moment of jubilation and celebration for me.

I have experienced the loss of loved ones during the year of the pandemic.  A day does not go by that I do not remember them and ache for the grief and sadness being suffered by all who knew them.   I will surely spend time feeling a sense of being cheated on their behalf.   It will be something done quietly and with reverence.

I have never considered myself a “hugger” as I am somewhat introverted.   However, now when I see people, even from a distance, it makes me feel closer to them than pre-pandemic.   It is, as they say, a great equalizer, and barriers be them physical or emotional tend to soften.  I will greet people more exuberantly for sure and perhaps even become a warm hugger.

When it does end, I will never forget the time in history.   This like many other worldly events will be cemented in my memory.  I expect that there will be residual effects such as the mask wearing, or at least keeping them handy.   I pray I am here to witness what will be the “End of COVID-19” as well as all who I love.   I hope you will see it as well. 

Please be diligent to keep the cases down.   Move a kindness, not a virus. God Bless.

I continue to analyze and understand my food addiction.  It’s an arduous task to break down my thoughts and feelings, even after a lifetime of trying.  As I continue this journey, I observe many different types of behavior of others in addition to my own, to find solutions.

A recent observation during an impulse to eat reminded me of my mother.   My mother has dementia.  Her condition has rendered her personality to be, what I consider, childlike.  She does not have a memory of being my mother and cannot grasp the concept because she feels we are too close in age for that to be possible.  We have a twenty-five-year age difference.

One of my mother’s rituals is to pack her suitcase as if she is about to travel.  She also chooses unusual items to pack, they are random.  She will pack saved greeting cards, framed photos, jewelry in boxes, etc.  When I have witnessed this, I get the sense she is trying to keep as many items as possible that are part of her past close to her.  It’s as if she is gathering memories that bring her comfort – pulling her past close to her to bring forth those warm memories.

When I went to my cupboard to grab something to eat, I wasn’t hungry.  I physically didn’t need to eat.  However, I was pulled towards satisfying something in me.   Recently, while doing this, I had a flash memory of my mother standing in front of her suitcase packed with all her treasures.  My memory related to that vision of my mother while I was on my way to satisfy something I needed.  Perhaps I too needed to “gather” a memory.   A memory of a time in my life when I had fewer worries and a simpler life.  Many of life’s memories have to do with food whether it’s family dinner time or holiday feasts.

My mother has lost much of her memory and I believe there is a part of her that realizes that.  She is trying to bring something back that her heart and soul remember while her mind and memory cannot.  My overheating is me trying to bring comfort back that I remember from my past, even though for me my mind is aware that this is not the right thing to do.   My mind is in cahoots with memory and they are a powerful combination.

My mother also needs to feel she is in control and capable.  She does not want people to do things for her because she equates it with feeling “less than”.  When I am feeling that the events around me are not within my control I likely feel as she does.  I say “likely” because my mother cannot articulate exactly what she is going through, I am assuming based on her behavior and her irritation with us.  This feeling of lack of control in my life, as with many overeaters, causes me to make a quick fix by having the power to bring back my comforted memory by eating.

Please know that in no way do I think there is an association between food addiction and dementia. As I mentioned in the blog opening, I am searching to find the answers to my food addiction and my behavior.   As we all know, it starts with understanding before being able to correct.

Now the fun part begins with trying to replace eating with something that will be equally satisfying.  It might not bring me back to a place of memories from the past but enough to regain control and being present and content with feeling healthy.

As for my mother we unpack her suitcase when she isn’t looking.  We have also learned to suggest without telling.  There are many wonderful resources to help families and caregivers for supporting a loved one with dementia. 

I hope of have been a resource to help you with your health goals.  Please stay safe and God bless!